maybe I lost my direction (maybe the worst is behind)

[starsandatoms]

maybe I lost my direction
(maybe the worst is behind)

(General notes about the mix: It mainly deals with the most recent and relevant comic arcs, but it does reference and spoil several important classic storylines. It could possibly be read as gen, but it was intended to be slashy and several songs imply a one-sided *cough* regard *cough* from Tony to Steve, if not reciprocated.

Also, the intention with the track art was to do something almost like a fanvid - to provide the images and text that I saw as most relevant given the difficulties of vidding comics and also the fact that I don't know how to vid. For some tracks this worked better than others, but if any of the songs remind you of a scan, please feel free to share it! I am not at all averse to a impromptu scan party threads.)



Zip!

1. Yoü & I - Lady Gaga



Something, something about this place
Something about lonely nights, and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Here's something about, baby you and I

(Ode to the good ol' days of Cap and Steve. Mostly chosen for tone.)

2. Proof - I Am Kloot



Hey, could you stand another drink, I'm better when I don't think
Seems to get me through
Say, could you spin another line, like we had a good time
Not that I need proof
Swell, we're living in a motel, someone's ringing my bell
In a room without a view
Hey, heard you read another book, should I take another look?
Who am I without you?

(Tony, his drinking, and the way it pushes him and Steve apart.)

3. High & Dry - Jorge Drexler covering Radiohead



Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?
Flying on your motorcycle
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition
Kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror
You're turning into something you are not

(The real OTP of the Marvel universe is Tony/Self-Loathing.)

4. Downfall - Matchbox 20



I wonder how you sleep
I wonder what you think of me
If I could go back
Would you have ever been with me
I want you to be unleashed
I want you to remember
I want you to believe in me
I want you on my side

Come on, lay it down, I've always been with you
Here and now, give all that's within you
Be my savior and I'll be your downfall

(Civil War. Tony tries to do what Cap would do - to commit - and begs for Steve to join him. But even when it's clear that Steve won't, Tony keeps going.)

5. Battlefield - Jordin Sparks



Can't swallow our pride and neither of us want to raise that flag
If we can't surrender then we're both going to lose what we had
Both hands tied behind our backs for nothing
These times when we climb so fast to fall again (why we gotta fall for it now?)

I never meant to start a war, you know I never want to hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield?
Guess you better go get your armor

(Flag, armor, and shield metaphors. Let's face it, who didn't hope that Rubicon would end with makeup sex?)

6. Sympathy - Goo Goo Dolls



Stranger than your sympathy, I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out, now my head's been filled with doubt
It's hard to lead the life you choose
When all your luck's run out on you
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true
It's easy to forget, and yeah
You choke on the regrets, and yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?

(Tony after Cap's death. Even more explicitly self-loathing, quietly regretful, getting exactly what he thought he was okay with and hating everything.)

7. Remains - Marissa Tancharoen and Jed Whedon



Burn down my home
My memories hardened and are bright as chrome
Good times escape
While every mistake seems to be caught on tape

I will go rolling fast
Arms out in the rain
Feel momentum building ’til
I lift off ground like an airplane
Love ties you down to the pain
A billion eyes are watching, fossilized
They see what remains
Remains

Gave up this town
What waste are we left with when it’s boiled down
Shine light on me
Your image reflected is all you’ll ever see

(Autolobotomy suicide. Tony, in his depression and desperation to assuage his near-Catholic levels of guilt, has moved past passive self-destructive behaviors such as lack of sleep or hygiene and deliberately stripping naked to infect himself with explosive cancer (god, I love comics), and into actively erasing his brain and goading Norman Osborn into beating him to death.)

8. Coming Home - Diddy - Dirty Money and Skylar Grey



I'm coming home
I'm coming home
Tell the world that I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world that I'm coming home

"A House is Not a Home", I hate this song
Is a house really a home when your loved ones are gone
And n-ggas got the nerve to blame you for it
And you know you woulda took the bullet if you saw it

(Steve's back, and Tony makes his triumphant return as well. But everyone still blames him for...well, everything, ever.)

9. Falling for the First Time - Barenaked Ladies



I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing
I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers out of anything
I'm so thrilled to finally be failing
I'm so done, turn me over 'cause it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anything plain can be lovely
Anything loved can be lost
Maybe I lost my direction
What if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying
Anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely
Anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction?
What if I lost a sense of time?
What if I nurse this infection?
Maybe the worst is behind

(Steve's back, Tony's back, Thor's back, the Avengers are back, and finally it seems like everything's getting back on track. Mistakes have been made and made up for, friendships are being rebuilt, and for Tony, when he sees Steve with that shield, it seems like everything might be getting better.)

Bonus tracks!

BT 1. Poker Face - Daughtry covering Lady Gaga

I want to roll with him, a hard pair we will be
A little gambling is fun when you're with me (I love it)
Russian roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby when it's love, if it's not rough it isn't fun
I'll get him hot, show him what I got

Can't read my, can't read my, no you can't read my
Poker face

(On one level, it's about Tony's adrenalin-junkie behavior, his tendency to get into awkward S&M situations, his history of abusive relationships, and his proclivity towards injuring/risking himself to save others. On another level, it's really hard to see his expression through the faceplate.)

BT 2. Shape of my Heart - Noah and the Whale

Oh when I look to the shape of my heart,
It's separated only by scars
That cut in and cut out
Oh and leave me without
Oh a heart that functions at all.

And when I look to the shape of the sky,
I give thanks for this hollow chest of mine;
That I no longer feel
The great weight of ordeals
That can make this life so unkind

Oh and if there's any love in me,
Don't let it show.
Oh and if there's any love in me,
Don't let it grow.

(A song for movie!Tony: heart trouble, heart metaphors, and emotional repression, woohoo! GOD I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE AVENGERS MOVIE.)

BT 3. Viva la Vida - Lady Gaga covering Coldplay

It was a wicked and wild wind
Like just The Doors' Love Her Madly and let her in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my blonde head on a silver plate
Just a Gaga on a lonely string
Oh, who would ever want to be queen?

I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my Chris and I'll be your Gwyneth
My missionaries hiding in foreign trenches

For some reason I can't explain
I know Yves Saint Laurent won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

(Viva La Vida is such a classic Tony song that I couldn't not. Also, I have a theory that Tony's entire life could be expressed as a series of Lady Gaga songs. Also also, they've probably had sex, and it was scorchingly hot. Just saying.)

Comments

[starlady]

This is really interesting! I don't know the pairing very well, but the music and the scans get the point across.

(Also, hooray for Lady Gaga covering Coldplay!)

[vivid-winged.livejournal.com]

Listening to this mix now. The songs are well-chosen and not ones I would've expected; thank you for this mix! I especially liked the touch of the scans.

[dearjohn]

Somehow I have never commented to say how much I love this mix? I LOVE THIS MIX. It's got to be my absolute favorite Tony fst. Thank you!